My dear friend who has visited me many times before, Markus, has asked me to put quill to parchment on what he has told me and those thoughts of mine that came of those tellings. Markus told me of men who cut off their spears and rocks because they hate being men. I thought at first that this friend of mine was trying to pull the wool over my eyes until he showed me pictures on his magic glass tablet. Markus went on to tell me that his president, Joe Biden, was forcing the legions to accept these men who believe they are women into their ranks. First and foremost, the legions of Roma serve only two purposes, to conquer and to safeguard Roma. Anything that diminishes the military’s ability on those mandates must be dealt with swiftly. I was perplexed as to why anyone of America’s Legatus legionis [ Generals ] hadn’t poisoned or daggered President Biden for this heresy. I mused on; this is what happens when too much say is given to the plebs. The plebs don’t know what’s good for them. If the plebs had the understanding that it took to run government and protect the empire, they wouldn’t be plebs in need of my government’s daily dole of bread.
I asked how President Biden came to be in power. Markus was embarrassed to reveal this truth to me, but after much cajoling, he told me. There has been election fraud in Roman elections too, I told Markus to assuage him of his shame. This is another reason I did away with elections. A nation is best served when power is taken and held through the use of cunning, intelligence, and might. That’s why the Greek City-States didn’t endure and succumbed to the might of Roma. Those Greeks put their faith in democracy, which is mob rule of the most uneducated. Markus told me of the plague that had descended upon his country. I asked Markus how many people had died. 500,000, I exclaimed! Only 500,000! Markus, I said, your country has become as soft as a wailing woman. I have seen millions die from all manners of plagues. In my time, pestilences are more feared than invading armies. Many legions have turned on their heels at the first sign of pestilence.
Then Markus told me the most astonishing thing, President Biden, during this pestilence, is allowing barbarians to cross his nation’s southern frontier. Even more curious, President Biden had halted the construction on the Southern frontier wall that had been already been paid for by the previous President! I exclaimed; open borders during a pandemic is likening to opening Pandora’s box. Biden’s idiocy has no bounds. I explained, it takes a hard heart to protect your people from the dangers of the world. As the commander at the siege of Alesia, I had been surrounded by the barbarians.
The only thing that had prevented our destruction was I had ordered the building of two walls. An outer wall to protect my legions from attack and an inner wall to prevent the occupant of Alesia from venturing out to forage for food. When my forces were surrounded, we too were under a siege. The next day, the soldiers sent out the women and children from Alesia in the no man’s land before us. The soldiers in Alesia were using the women and children as a weapon. If I had accepted them, they would have eaten our stores of food, hence, we would have succumbed to hunger and would have been overrun by both the soldiers in Alesia and the hordes of barbarians on the other side of our outer wall. I watched those women and children die slowly of thirst and hunger. My first duty was to my legions’ well-being, which is my point of this account.
We then discussed slavery. Markus told me that early on in his country’s beginning, they had the practice of slavery. And I said, what of it? All nations hold slaves. Even the Greek democracies do that you hold in such high esteem, my friend, Markus. I explained to my soft-hearted friend, Markus, that slavery was a deterrence to other nations. If you attack Roma, my legions will kill many and those that aren’t killed will be enslaved. I personally oversaw the enslavement of hundreds of thousands of Roma’s enemies. I understand that the descendants of slavery, which occurred many generations ago, are asking for gold in grievance. This is amazing to me. I have freed a few slaves in my time. Those that I had freed were always grateful. Their progeny never filed any grievances with me either. I believe the issue is that the slaves weren’t acquired from the spoils of war. I must admit that I was sorely disappointed to learn that those people who had served Roma’s legions as auxiliaries had been enslaved.
I predicted to Markus that there would be at the least raids from barbarians within the borders of his nation, if not full-blown attacks because of Biden’s weakness and ineptitude. I explained; your country has been attacked on its’ soil just two times. It isn’t happenstance that the Japenese, a small in stature people, attacked a country that had as its leader an enfeebled man that couldn’t even walk, President Franklin D. Roosevelt. It wouldn’t have been a sign of weakness if Franklin D. Roosevelt had been paralyzed by an injury born from battle.
Now consider Franklin D. Roosevelt’s cousin, President Theodore Roosevelt, who had been a warrior that had commanded people under fire. President Theodore Roosevelt was the embodiment of how I conducted myself as the Emperor of Roma. If you are not conquering, you will be conquered. Or, conquer, or be conquered. President Theodore Roosevelt sent a fleet across the world to hunt down the Barbary Pirates who had stolen from American merchant ships. I have experience with pirates.
As a young man, I had been taken by pirates. After my release upon receipt of the agreed amount of gold, I kept my promise to the pirates, I saw to it that they were all hunted down and crucified. President Theodore Roosevelt sent a flotilla of warships to support Panamanian rebels fighting for independence from Colombia. Though the ships never fired a shot, the show of force helped Panama gain its independence and the United States gain the right to build and control the Panama Canal.
In my opinion, the Japanese would have never dared to attack America if Theodore Roosevelt had been president instead of his cousin. Joe Biden’s feeblemindedness and his display of falling on the stairs three times in succession invites attacks from America’s enemies as surely as I am Gaius Julius Caesar, the Emperor of Roma and Master of all that I survey.
I came back to question Markus about President Joe Biden’s military heresy. If this lunatic is willing to destroy the cohesiveness of your country’s legions by forcing them to accept men who think that they are women, then what have you not told me, Markus? Markus wept in shame to tell me that his President had appointed one of these mentally defective men to oversee the public’s health. Even more disturbing, this man [ pictured below ] when questioned by a Senator, this woman pretender wouldn’t rule out cutting off the stones and spears of little boys! This was all too much for me to bear, I pleaded with Markus to take me and my legions back to his time to slay all of those who had brought this corruption upon the world of man.
Translated from Latin to English by Mark Pullen.