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For instance, AOC has taught us that men can birth children, too. A brave female doctor even testified under oath before Congress that men can get pregnant. AOC was right again! That’s why I now sleep in the bathroom. I am disabled with Primary Lateral Sclerosis (PLS). I cannot risk getting impregnated by my wife.

The ever-wise AOC has also delivered urgent climate change alarms about immediate world-ending risks. She warned that cattle burps and farts are hastening our collective doom. Ireland, the Netherlands, New Zealand, and the United Kingdom all ran serious studies on culling dairy cows and sheep to fight climate change. Only Elon Musk’s intervention and the farmers’ protests stopped the mass slaughter.

Inspired by this wisdom, I rightly reasoned that we must kill the largest herbivores to save the planet. All elephants, all hippopotami, and especially the blue whales must be culled immediately to slow the climate apocalypse.

Then the High Priestess of Climate Change herself, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, dropped the ultimate truth: the simple act of humans breathing is hastening our doom. As a disabled man, I was physically unable to go forth and cull humans myself. So instead, I urged our Democrats to trans their children (which prevents future reproduction) and to abort every baby in a Democratic womb. Every little bit helps.

Now we have a genuine one-time chance to stall the entire climate change process in its tracks.

Iran has approximately 93 million human CO₂ emitters. Iran also sits on huge fossil fuel reserves. If we simply razed Iran — ports, power plants, oil fields, the works — we would instantly eliminate those 93 million CO₂ emitters and their filthy fossil fuels. This noble act would make it completely unnecessary to cull all the blue whales, hippopotami, and elephants.